Understanding the “Four Horsemen” in Relationships
Welcome to June
As we move into the middle of the year, June offers an opportunity to pause, reflect, and reconnect — with ourselves, our relationships, and our wider support networks. At Hold the Hope Counselling, we continue to provide spaces for growth, learning, and meaningful connection through our online workshops, support groups, and professional development offerings.
We’re excited to share our upcoming programs and ongoing groups for the months ahead.
Conflict is a normal part of every relationship — but the way we communicate during conflict can either strengthen connection or slowly erode it.
Relationship researcher, John Gottman identified four communication patterns that are particularly damaging to relationships. He called these patterns The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because of their strong connection to relationship breakdown over time.
The four horsemen are:
Criticism – attacking a partner’s character rather than addressing a specific issue.
Contempt – communicating from a place of superiority through sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or hostility.
Defensiveness – responding with excuses, blame, or counterattacks instead of listening and taking responsibility.
Stonewalling – emotionally withdrawing, shutting down, or avoiding communication altogether.
While most couples experience these behaviours occasionally, problems arise when they become habitual patterns in the relationship. The encouraging news is that awareness creates opportunity for change.
The Gottman approach also offers practical “antidotes” to each horseman — including gentle start-ups, appreciation, responsibility-taking, and self-soothing techniques — all designed to help couples reconnect and communicate more effectively.
Healthy communication is not about never disagreeing; it’s about learning how to navigate differences with respect, empathy, and emotional safety.
Watch this helpful overview video on the Four Horsemen here:
If you would like to explore these concepts more deeply, our upcoming workshop The 7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work provides practical tools grounded in Gottman relationship research to support stronger, healthier connection.
Upcoming Group Programs
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All programs are run online
〰️ All programs are run online
The 7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work
21st August
9:00 AM – 5:30 PM AEST
$550 per couple
A full-day workshop designed to strengthen communication, deepen understanding, and reconnect you with your partner.
Bringing Baby Home
17th July
9:00 AM – 5:00 PM AEST
$550 (couples welcome)
Support your relationship through the transition to parenthood, with practical tools to stay connected during this major life shift.
Lessons in Love
12th June
9:00 AM – 5:30 PM AEST
$550 per person
An opportunity to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and your own personal growth in love.
Ongoing Groups & Professional Development
Women’s Perimenopausal Support Group
Every 2nd Wednesday
9:30 AM – 11:00 AM AEST
$40
Next June session: Let’s talk symptom management.
Professional Book Club
Last Friday of the month
9:00 AM – 10:00 AM AEST
$40
June’s book: The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris.
Group Supervision for Clinical Professionals
Last Wednesday of the month
9:00 AM – 10:00 AM AEST
$40
A supportive space for reflection, learning, and professional connection with fellow clinicians.
Stay Connected
If you would like more information or wish to register for any upcoming groups or workshops, please reach out via email: holdthehopecounselling@yahoo.com
Thank you for being part of the Hold the Hope community. We look forward to supporting you through the season ahead.
Warm regards,
Hold the Hope Counselling